New York City, NY – Pfizer has confirmed some women’s claims that their breasts were enlarged after receiving their vaccinations.
“We would like to reassure everyone that breast enlargement is not a side effect,” said Dr Cronin of Pfizer’s R&D department. “It was a secondary objective because we were always unsure whether our vaccines would actually work as vaccines… I mean, it has to give some benefit, even if it’s not improving one’s immunity, right?”
Dr Lindsey, however, is unsure. “The vaccines could be causing inflammation of the lymph nodes which in turn cause swelling, including of the breasts. I don’t think that’s a good thing,” she said. “I recommend everyone who hasn’t got the vaccine yet to look into it before making their decision.”
The CDC has made no comment, only confirming that adult human females do indeed have breasts. Meanwhile, Dr Fauci recommended wearing a mask. Or five. “If needed, one could string two masks together to make a bra,” he said.
The White House dismissed opinions like Dr Lindsey’s as “conspiracy theories”. Biden issued a statement: “Look, the… the blood of children… I mean the vaccine is safe. And if it gives you bigger titties, then all the better because I like titties, not that I am fussy if they were small.”
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