Washington DC – A white paper has been released in light of recent voter fraud, alleged or otherwise, and the currently slow vote count of the midterms.
The paper proposes a nationwide reform of the voting system to utilize two counting monkeys per county.
Researchers conducted a two-day study and found that “one monkey is adequate to count all the votes in a county faster and more accurately than every election in the last 30 years”. The second monkey is for redundancies such as recounts.
For practical purposes, between two to four gorillas are required to serve as security and to carry heavy boxes.
As for social implications, the paper notes that “as monkeys typically have dark coats, it may score racial-equality brownie points with woketopia although it is admittedly difficult to predict woke responses”.
The paper concludes that using primates is also “the most cost-effective option because they can be paid peanuts and the security gorillas may not even need batons. Bananas are also appropriate forms of payment.”
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