Biden Would Pardon Herod If He Could
- Simian Practicalist
- Dec 23, 2024
- 1 min read
Washington DC – President Joe Biden has commuted the death sentences of 37 out of 40 individuals.
“Make no mistake: I condemn these murderers and grieve for the victims who can no longer wander around and eat ice cream and… umm… do stuff with their families,” said Biden on Monday, “I mean, I like doing stuff with my family too.”
Biden also indicated that he had to “in good conscience” commute these death sentences as campaigners advised that “we can’t let Trump just execute everyone”.
“We would’ve issued a commutation for everyone but we have to look reasonable,” added Biden, “so 37 is good cos that’s the number of books in the New Testament and it’s Christmas and whatever…”
When asked why he did not commute the other three inmates, Biden responded: “I would do it for Herod too even if he did order 70 children to be massacred but I’ve been told he’s already dead. Where’s my roast turkey?”
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