Melbourne, Australia – The Victorian Department of Health has confirmed that a child returning from overseas tested positive for avian influenza A, also referred to as “bird flu”, the first confirmed case in the country.
“We confirm that we totally lack originality in coming up with something interesting for the latest scare,” said Victorian government spokesperson George O’Brien, “and that we’re sorta racist cos the kid has to be from India. We needed a country that is plausibly filthy enough but also well-known enough to the average bogan.”
Although avian influenza A (H5N1) is not that common in humans, it was important to “kinda make a big deal without explicitly making it a big deal as part of the narrative”.
“It mostly worked before for COVID-19,” said O’Brien, “I mean, there’s no need to panic… which means be prepared to totally lose it cos it’s going to be deadly if and when we need to be.”
The health department recommends doctors use PCR since it has worked so well for COVID-19. “Yes, doctors need to prepare to use PCR,” added O’Brien, “although I am not saying what we used to test the Indian kid. I don’t actually know.”
Public opinion is varied. Some are concerned that they have to stock up on masks again, whereas café owner Emmanuel Smith, whose business is still recovering, is not impressed.
“You know, we have some pretty good coffee here in this country, probably one of the best in the world,” said Smith, “so I recommend the government grab a big cup of shut the f— up.”
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